| | This morning I came across this thought: We become what we think about. It triggered some other thoughts, as I was cycling through the neighborhood. I've heard and read about how important it is to have good character. What we do is born out of our character, and yet we can still profess to believe or think one thing and do something else. In fact, the disconnect between our thoughts and our actions can reach the point where we don't even realize that we're communicating with our actions the very opposite of what we say. So the way I see it, there's something flawed in the connection between our character and our actions.
Experientially, I'd say that I do this on a fairly regular basis. While I desire to live a consistent and sincere life, I often delude myself into thinking one way yet doing something completely different. Since I started medical school, I've grown weary and doubtful of the importance of having good character. What good is character when it's not who we are, but what we do that defines who we are to others? What good is our character when every significant action we take is dissected and judged, and when even the best of intentions are taken as evil intent? While it sounds all nice and pious to say that our flesh can get the better of us, or that we're covered by grace, how does that really affect us?
It's easy to get caught up in doing the "Christian thing" - whether that be going to church, or getting involved somehow, or even the "essentials" of praying and reading the Bible. But when it comes to making those hard choices, when it comes to living each day, those things, the "stuff" as it were, mean absolutely nothing. It's not so easy to live in the haven of the culture when every day you're confronted with the reality that you don't have what it takes, that you are worthless, that even your best efforts aren't good enough, that you may think that you mean well, but in reality you've got evil designs. And I do say reality, because there is absolutely nothing that any of us can do or be to bring about anything good in this world. Our best inventions fail. What was shiny new has rusted and rotted away. Our brilliant idea has passed on and been replaced with a new brilliant idea. The things that seemed so hopeful and exciting last month have turned into ash in our mouths.
And that's the reality of life. Time marches forward and shows no mercy to those who want to hang onto the coattails of the past. When I get the chance to take a step back and look at my life, I am disturbed by the frequency at which I do that. What good is my character if every move I make ends up leading to disaster? What good is my character if my actions are judged to be insincere, or malicious by the very people I'm wanting to serve and care for? My conclusion: my character is worthless.
Yes, it's worthless, just like everything else in my life, because anything and everything that I do has absolutely no meaning. And that's the truth - I need to let go of these grand thoughts that what I do is going to make a difference, that who I am is something worthwhile, because who really cares? In the grand scheme of eternity, people's opinions have no power. Reputation and character aren't going to prove to be anything worth holding onto. Even our accomplishments, the amazing things that we've done to better life around us, that will be forgotten when we fall to the crushing weight of time. We are so insignificant.
And that's the great paradox of this thing that Christians call the Gospel. It's the truth that swallows up the other truth - it doesn't deny that we are insignificant, it just gives the second part to the story. We are insignificant beings made significant by the only independently significant being - God Almighty. So as painful and lonesome as it may be to realize how insignificant and worthless I am on my own, it also brings me to the awareness that I need God to work completely within me.
I was thinking about this yesterday - as I was driving back to Norman, I was reviewing 1 Corinthians 13. At the beginning of the passage, I paused over these thoughts: "I am nothing more than a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." "I am nothing." "I gain nothing." All of these had the conditional before them - "but have not love." In those three verses Paul completely trashes doing the "right" things out of a motivation apart from love. In fact, apart from love, I can't do anything. While Paul describes love in the next verses, a thought took me back to my childhood. The reason why I became a Christian was because I realized that on my own I had no capacity to truly love people. And even now, 19 years after I first surrendered my life to Jesus Christ, I find myself relearning that lesson.
So yeah, I've made enough mistakes in the last few years to make every single one of my friends hate me for life. In fact, there are times I wonder if that's why they do some of the things they do. And I've done enough things to tarnish my reputation and to soil anyone's perception of my character - to the point where I probably will carry the mark of Cain around wherever I go. But I suppose none of that matters, really. Even if every person knew of my dumb choices, none of that matters.
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| | Posted 6/18/2007 12:35 PM - 60 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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